Decisions, Decisions

Well, feeling like I'm about to repeat myself. I feel like I should be working so I reach some other goal. But I don't even know what that goal actually is. I know what I want later on in life, the same as most people, a house, a wonderful marriage, kids someday, A MILLION PETS (lol), and a job where I can't wait to get in the office but also am glad for the end of the day. And then there's that keyword; office. Is that what I want? An office job? No, I've always told myself I was never a sit at a desk kind of girl, but what am I doing now?

Sitting at my breakfast bar writing on a laptop. The irony is tickling my insides!

The only difference is, I do not have health insurance, my hours are as I please, and I don't have anyone to blame but myself. Hmmm! Maybe that's why I'm feeling like it's time to work? Because I am finally my own boss and am I slightly failing at it. Epically. I use to be able to motivate myself fairly well. I was always writing away at work or practicing my sketching at work because it was incredibly boring. Why can't I seem to do that for myself at home now? I'm bored here, all alone for eight hours, almost every day. I feel so disappointed in myself but I know I'm the only one who can fix it. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I am so mixed up by my own doing it's ridiculious.

I don't know. I need some kind of sign of what to do, I suppose?

The other day my friend mentioned she'd need some roommates for her really large house back in Carson City. It'd be 400 a month. I don't know if this includes utilities or not, but that would be a heck of a lot cheaper than living up here in Tahoe. Then I'd be around a few of my friends again. Making friends in Tahoe has been really hard. All the ones I thought were my friends turned out to actually just be work-buddies, you know? Is that what growing up is? Work-buddies and family? Hahaha, bummer. OH WELL. I'm still trying. But it made me really think, you know? If we moved down there, we'd each be saving two hundred thirty dollars a month. The only problem would be Curtis's job which he isn't ready to leave yet. So he'd still be coming up and down to Tahoe every day, just like I use to do. Of course, this wouldn't happen until our lease is up in Spring.

And don't get me wrong, I'm not depressed at all. I haven't felt real depressed since I left Montbleu. Sure, I've had PMS and the occasional, "AAAAAAAAAAH! I'm so bored!" depression. But those are easy to get past. Especially with a boyfriend like Curtis and my puppy and turtle and even writing has been helping. I'm just doing soul-searching now and it's frustrating me that it as instant like the movies. Don't they just go for a walk on the beach or around the city alone and then BAM it hits them? (Sometimes quite literally)

You know what? I'm lying to myself. It HAS hit me, I just don't want to admit it, do I? I have to at least finish my associates degree in college. It's been on my mind for a while now. I should suck it up and go back to school. All of the emails from the colleges and the little side adds about what kind of career do I want to study for! Those ARE my signs. Man! I was so stupid! What have I been wasting my time on? God HAS given me a sign. Over and over and over. And what have I done? Thrown them away as junk mail! Well, no more. I'm going to sign up for Spring/Summer classes as soon as possible now. I've released my mistake and now am going to do something about it.

Wish me luck!
xoxo
Alexis